Faith – this word means believing in the something no matter how you’re actually ‘feeling’. It means regardless of how many doubts you have – you trust that God will take care of you no matter what.. and while it may not be in the “way” you envisioned or hoped for – He will!
On December 15th 2015 I told the world about our struggles… about how I truly despised the holiday season – all the questions, all the comments about whether we’d be having children — the comments really started to wear on my husband and I. So in an effort to put ALL those comments and questions to rest once and for all.. I went to social media, I wrote a post about how I suffer from PCOS – how we had been trying to have a child for 3 years, about how if I heard someone say one more time “you would make such a good momma.. why don’t you guys have kids yet?!?” I was about to loose it.
I was soooo close to shutting down completely, because a lot of our family and friends were the ones asking — but they didn’t know. No one knew except a very small few… I didn’t want them to feel sorry for us.. I didn’t want to burden our loved ones with the news that I wasn’t fertile. I hate feeling like I’m a burden to someone… and that’s exactly how I felt.. especially to my husband. He was so patient.. so kind.. he stuck by me when I wanted to throw my hands up and quit… this blue-eyed, freckled faced – handsome man.. When I thought he might run off and find someone “better” — When I thought he would leave because he’d never have children of his own.. he stayed. He stuck by me…
We spoke about many options – fertility treatments… adoptions.. fostering… but we couldn’t afford any of those. We were living with his grandmother… we had no money to our name – and what hurt the most is that we wanted a child..
After my post on December 15th – I had an outpouring of love and prayers from SO many people on facebook.. people I hadn’t even spoke to in years… people who I “knew” but didn’t know personally… people going through the same thing.. people offering up prayers/ love and support… and you know, reading the post over even after all of these years, I feel all the pain and tears that came with typing it.. I remember exactly what lead me to post that.. I remember I was laying right beside my husband – he slept.. while I cried… like I did on so many nights…. and I just began typing.
December 15th 2015
“ Tonight something weighs on my heart.. to where I can’t sleep and feel the need to finally speak out. Holidays are so hard for me and my husband.. and they just keep getting harder and harder! As each month goes by.. I pray and pray for that one day to finally come! Today as I was driving my niece back to her house.. I caught a glimpse of her out of the corner of my eye and I felt like I saw my very own child in the back seat.. but I quickly came back to reality and knew that the beautiful soul in that seat wasn’t mine. I cry out of no where.. I day dream.. I think.. I picture our child.. (blue eyes.. curly blonde hair..) will it ever happen.. as I saw this picture it spoke to me, I felt like I needed to post.. holidays are hard! Especially when people ask “when do you and your husband plan to have children?” It’s hard answering that bone chilling question.. I want them now, we want them now. We know we aren’t financially ready but we are mentally.. We want to start a family but can’t naturally. I want so badly to do this naturally.. but it isn’t in His plan.. We suffer from infertility.. we have been for the last three years. I finally feel like I need to talk about it verses crying about it. It is hard and will be hard.. but I am tired of feeling ashamed of it. I’m tired of hating myself for it.. one day it will happen.. I hope and pray! I want so badly to be a mother and I was sooooo badly to see Andrew as a father.. he’d be a great daddy.. we all go through our own battles.. but its up to us on how we can overcome them! I never thought I’d be posting this publicly.. I never thought id be suffering from this.. I never thought I wouldn’t be fertile..”
My heart hurts for that girl.. the girl that wrote that post. I wish I could say to that girl, “Hey Em – it’s coming.. it’s coming sooner than you think… and you will have THEM like you’ve prayed for.. because the Lord actually blesses you with TWO beautiful girls!”
That girl didn’t know that AFTER all those prayers.. and after opening up (finally) about infertility struggles… that God was going to bless her SO much!
Apparently Sharon had written in her journal that ‘Emily is pregnant’ – it wasn’t a question, it was a fact… and she actually reached out and told me that she felt I needed to take a pregnancy test – I can imagine that was hard for her, because she knew about my infertility… but it just so happened that TWO days after she told me, we found out that I was pregnant. Sharon and I still to this day say that the number two always stuck out to us in the beginning.. and after reading what I wrote – yet again – I see where I said “we want them now” – Lord child.. God was trying to tell me then.. that we were getting THEM.
January 15th we found out we were pregnant.. I went to the Doctor thinking I had the flu… (despite what Sharon said) and ohhhh noo it was not the flu…. the doctor comes in and says “well a congratulations is in order” and I still to this day remember asking “ why for being sick?!” hahaha she said no you’re pregnant.. I didn’t believe her. My husband over there in the chair grinning from ear to ear – tears flowing from my eyes.. I didn’t believe her until I saw the positive myself… I was in shock.. I think I even told her that she had the wrong room.
Sharon was the FIRST person I called.. and I couldn’t get those words out.. I just cried.. I handed Andrew the phone – she was worried I had cancer or something.. but he says “we are pregnant!!” and hearing those words out loud – my heart skipped.. we were pregnant.. God did it. All the prayers worked… and come to find out — worked DOUBLE!
Elizabeth and Amelia has been such a HUGE blessing to us – they continue to make my heart so happy… a deep joy! Seeing Andrew loving and playing with those girls is all I could have ever hoped for.. There was a day I looked back in the mirror at Ava and I actually saw a glimpse of Elizabeth.. God showed me her before she was even here.. It’s crazy how God works.. He is so good.
I have carried the pain of trying for a child for years – I have carried the pain of being told I’d never be able to be a mother. I know that pain.. I know that heartache.. and somehow by the grace of God, I now know what it’s like to have carried twins and what it’s like to be a mother.
If you are struggling with infertility and need someone to talk to, I’m here for you – please reach out… let me know how I can pray for you – or let me help carry the burden that I know you’re carrying… You don’t have to be in this alone.
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